April 21, 2004 - 3:28 p.m.
I would like to write this entry as an explanation of my life over the last couple of years. My entries have been brief and very spaced out, and I hope that this will help in telling my story.
On the drive back from Southern, I had a lot of time to listen to music. I stared out the window, sometimes singing, sometimes silent, and a lot of thoughts ran through my head. As the ideas began to twirl around inside my head, I made a series of self-discoveries.
First of all, there are two sides of me. On one side I am very spontaneous. I like to live from moment to moment; fly wherever my wings will carry me. This is an awesome feeling because it forces me to open my eyes to new experiences and beauties in this world.
The other side of me is very calm and relaxed. I love the life of simplicity. Take for example the movie Amelie. She is so amused with the littlest things and she lives a small important life. I see some parts of me in her personality because she loves to give people hope and make them smile, if only for a moment in their busy day.
Now that Iíve explained these two opposite qualities that I have, let me share with you a part of me that is not so worthy of grace. Take a trip with me back in time to my graduation. I finished high school with an innocence that had not yet been broken, followed by a summer filled with camping trips and beach days; the best summer I think Iíve ever had.
In August of 2002, a lot of goodbyes were said as most of my friends went their separate ways. My closest friend at the time went away to college, and I started to grow lonely. During my first semester at the community college I wasnít very motivated, and I decided to drop out for the second, working full time as a server. I dated Jonathan for approximately three months, the first and most hurtful relationship I had ever been in. Being the naÔve girl that I was, I gave all of my energy and time to that friendship; I didnít see how open my heart really was to the pain.
After we broke up, I had trouble letting him go, and I spent the spring and summer months working and changing friends on a day-to-day basis. I was very sad because I could not find what I once had with my oh-so-perfect youth group and friends. Struggling with depression, I considered suicide. After many difficult, sleepless nights I started to accept this way of life, and I decided not to trust anyone completely ever again.
On occasion I hung out with my co-worker and friend, a girl named Melody. In the fall of 2003 I went back to school with little effort. At this point, the first character that I described myself as took over. I became really lazy, stopped caring about school and let my mind wander. I started to hang out with the wrong people, and my moral instincts were distracted. Partying and getting drunk became a regular thing for me to do with my Ďnewí friends. I stopped going to church and found myself denying Godís existence.
I remember one specific party back in November. It was supposed to be a girlís night out for Melody and I. We bought a bottle of smooth vodka called Grey Goose, and some orange juice to go with it. While watching a movie with a few of her friends, we drank the poison down. I drank too much too fast, and ended up lying on a bed in the basement throwing up in a bucket, half passed out. Melody went out for an hour to eat with her friends, and I was left alone in the house. Unfortunately, during that hour one of the guys who lived there came downstairs and took advantage of my innocence. I donít remember details because I was too drunk to realize what was going on.
The next couple weeks were a blur of drama. I blamed God for not protecting me, and I gave up trying to preserve my body and soul. Regretfully, I messed around with a couple of guys who didnít mean anything to me. This is obviously not something I am proud of at all, but I hope that whoever reads this can learn from my mistakes. I allowed myself to give up everything (in a sense) and I ended up loosing focus on what should be important.
This past December, I took a step back and realized that my life was far from the par I had set for myself. What did I do? I turned around and walked away.
I drove down to Southern to visit my friend Monica, and I had the first real conversation with her in almost two years. I spent a few days down there trying to straighten my thoughts out, and I met someone who, for some strange reason has become a great influence to me.
When I came back home, I stayed away from the past, and only spent time with my family and close church friends. I still messed up in certain areas, but slowly over the last five months I have tried to correct my actions and filter out my thoughts.
In February, I met a few Peruvian friends who I will be visiting in July. They taught me how to dance. We laughed a lot together, and they will be close to my heart for a long time. Since they went back to their country, I have been concentrating on school a lot more. Iíve limited my career choices down to either computer programming, or some kind of audio/video editing. In my spare time Iíve been trying to learn HTML so that I can create websites for people or businesses.
I would just like to conclude this entry with a word of advice. Keep your goals in line, and try to stay away from temptations, because they can really tear you apart in mind, body, and in soul. Yahweh is the most important influence in my life now, and I would not have it any other way. I love my God so much, and I pray that I will never again doubt Him, or let Him escape through my fingers. So, the next time you feel lost, repeat these lines to yourself, and know that the sun will eventually come out to shine down upon you.
ďDonít close your eyes
This is your life
Are you who you want to be?
ďThis is your life
Is it everything youíve dreamed it would be?
Donít close your eyes.Ē